Study: Alcohol Effective in Combating Sobriety

This just in from the prestigious Imaginary Journal of Medicine

A new report in the prestigious Imaginary Journal of Medicine reveals that alcohol has been proven highly effective in comforting the pain and discomfort often associated with sobriety. 

Research shows that – in a world gone haywire – moderate to heavy consumption of “firewater” provides fast temporary relief from the ever-present fear of Nazis, the decline of North, South, East and Western Civilization, and the near-certain enslavement by our future AI overlords.

The study reported that medicinal use of alcohol has risen 32% in the years since the term “golden escalator” first became a fixture in the 24/7 fake news cycle.

Despite its proven therapeutic efficacy, alcohol consumed for medicinal purposes may produce a range of side effects, including but not limited to: nausea, debauchery, moronic behavior, slurred speech and stumbling, loss of driver’s license, loss of job, loss of pants, general obnoxiousness, delusions of sexiness, increased risk of yelling at the television, heightened use of the term “I love you, man,” unexplained hematoma and post-traumatic hangover syndrome.